How to Deal With Toxic People
Someone recently asked me, “Why didn’t you put a Debbie Downer in your book?” I took some time to think before I responded. I eventually answered, “It never occurred to me to put someone who constantly complains in my book.” And then my mind ran wild, as it so often does. I am constantly creating characters and scenarios in my ever-busy brain. But I was having a difficult time producing a Debbie Downer. I eventually concluded – I don’t like to associate with people who are constantly negative, and apparently, I don’t want to write about them either.
Toxic people can be manipulative and can tire us. They can even be bad for your health. Putting it simply, they stress us out.
The first thing we should do is to identify the toxic people in our lives. Now remember, someone who is just annoying you is not necessarily harmful. A toxic person is someone who repeatedly disrespects your boundaries. Perhaps you are emotionally exhausted after you hang out with them. Or, maybe they try to manipulate you, give you guilt trips, or gaslight you. And, one other thing, these people rarely take responsibility for their actions.
Here’s a good question: Are the people you hang out with a vacuum or a battery? A battery is someone you spend time with, and when you leave them, you feel happy, invigorated, and ready to face the day. A vacuum is someone who sucks the life out of you. You can hang out with them, and you will feel exhausted and anxious.
Your mental health is important. You need to reduce time with toxic people or remove them from your life altogether.
Removing toxic people in our lives is not about fixing them; it’s about protecting you.
Sometimes, it is unrealistic to block these people out of your life. They may be a coworker or relative. But you can limit your interactions with them. You can pull back by gradually starting to spend less time with them. You are going to be “busy” more often. Don’t answer their call or text right away. Slowly decrease communication and create space.
And now for your secret weapon -- become a gray rock. This is an excellent tool for dealing with toxic people. The idea behind this is to be as uninteresting as a gray rock when you are with that person. You want to be as boring as a rock so they lose interest in you. When they say something to you, make your responses short and neutral, “yep,” “nope,” “sure.” They are used to getting a response from you, but you are a rock; now you have no reaction. Be a gray rock. Be so dull that they don’t want to hang out with you anymore.
By the way, while you are being a gray rock, make sure that you don’t give them any personal details about yourself. Don’t let them know anything is happening with you right now. Don’t give them fuel for their fire.
And lastly, set boundaries. Get clear on what your boundaries are. For instance, let’s say your brother is toxic, and he is always upsetting you when he says negative things about your children. Set a boundary that you will not allow this to happen anymore, and then communicate those boundaries to your brother. Inform him that you are prioritizing your mental health and explain it upsets you when he speaks negatively about your children. Keep reminding him of your boundaries. He will fight it and try to ignore your request. So, the next time he says something about your son, you remind him that you have set a boundary and you will not entertain what he is saying. Is the relationship worth it if he doesn’t respect your request?
Sometimes, we simply need to remove a toxic person from our life. I understand this can be difficult if it is a long-time friend or family member. But, if you’ve become a gray rock and clearly state your boundaries, and they just won’t listen, maybe it’s time to cut the rope.
Your peace of mind and mental health are essential, and it’s time for you to stop being stepped on by others.
Surround yourself with positive people that make you feel good about yourself. Don’t allow any Debbie Downers in your life. Celebrate life with positive people. You are worth it!